Me No You

I almost didn’t have children.  By choice.

Obviously I changed my mind (and now count being a Mum as one of the most rewarding aspects of my life), but I can understand the motivations of women who, by choice, decide not to have children.

Recently I posed a question to one of my best mates – mum to four and mother hen to 15-odd getting-back-on-track teenage boys.

“Do we villainise women who don’t have or choose not to have children?”

Because for women now, having children has become a choice.

Back in the days before contraception not having children wasn’t a choice.  It was a given.  Children were your legacy.  The continuation of the family name – they helped with the family farm or business, and would take care of you in your old age.

Childless women were pitied – called ‘barren’ and referred to as ‘spinster aunts’ – because no man wanted to marry a woman who couldn’t conceive.

With feminism, contraception and advances in medicine, came choice for women.

A choice about whether to marry, or to continue with a career.

A choice about when to have children.

A choice about how they will become a mother when their own bodies won’t allow them to do so naturally.

For me the realisation that I needed to be a Mother occurred when I held my baby niece.  I knew then, as I cradled that squirming bundle of my sisters joy, that I needed to take that next step.  It was a deep-gut feeling.  A make or break decision.  And I made the choice to become a Mother.

I had been Maiden.  I had been content to skip over Mother.  And one day I would be Crone – because you cannot halt the ageing process.

Within 6 weeks of stopping my contraceptive, I was pregnant.  I don’t know what would have happened had it not happened that way for me.  I have seen the faces of girlfriends and family as they talk about their struggles to conceive, to carry a pregnancy… to become a Mother.

So what does a childless-by-choice woman of today feel when she sees swaddled babies, cute munchkins wearing crocheted moustaches and prima-toddlers in tutus?  Does her biological clock start ticking in her ear, screaming at her “Procreate now before your eggs dry up.” Or does she think “Cute, but what’s the fuss about.”

What does she think as she sits in a restaurant – trying to eat her meal in peace, as the toddler at the next table whines and throws a tantrum.

And does the childless-by-choice woman realise that the furtive-and-filthy glances she receives from the mother of said toddler are probably not contempt at the fact she does not have children, but envy at the fact that she is able to sit there and eat her meal un-interrupted…

What are your thoughts?

As a Mother or a childless woman – do you respect the choices of your counterparts?

Do you sometimes wish you had made a different choice?

And are you guilty of casting those furtive-and-filthy glances?

{This controversial comment was sparked by a discussion around a photograph posted by Colva W on Pinterest.  Said photo and comments have since been removed.}

{Image: Me No You from lucaskrech.com – courtesy of David deSilva of lightpaintsapicture.com}

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